Makes me raugh so hald!

And I thought some of the goofy Germlish I've seen around here was funny....

Check out WWW.ENGRISH.COM for some good laughs! One small example:



I've seen some restrooms in Europe that were about that hard to find...

Had to add this one, because it rivals the German Windows' "task beenden" :

Spinne Season

Welp, it's that time of year again. The spiders have begun moving in en masse. (This occurs at the end of Fly Season, when you can easily count upwards of 100 houseflies meandering in and out, but mostly IN, your unscreened windows on a warm day. Ah, Europe in the summertime. Bleh.)

Back in WA we have some really creepy damned spiders. In fact, it's Hobo Spider season (link - warning: pic loads on right!) back home, so this is a reminder to all of you to keep your covers OFF the floor, no bed skirts, to significantly reduce the chance you'll "threaten them" in your bed, leaving you with a spreading necrosis that leads to the eventual removal of your leg or head or something.

Here the creeps are mostly of the daddy long legs variety, but when you can count 10 of them that have appeared overnight in every corner, ummmmmmm.... EEEEEEK. They mostly stay along the edges of the ceiling, thank God, but occasionally they will drop down into your face and make you wet yourself.

Bunny is my Spider Removal Unit, because he's not afraid and because he can at least reach the damned things on these high ceilings. I can't get to them even if I stand on our little foot stool thing. Not that I would risk that anyway. Hell if I'm almost touching them. He catches them in a glass or jar and gently sets them outside so that they can come back inside while we sleep, so I can scream and almost faint, he can catch them again and put them outside and so on. (Although lately I've convinced him that it won't kill them to lightly fling them off the balcony. They're kind of floaty and webby, like Spiderman, you know.)

Bunny asked me what I did when I lived alone and didn't have a Spider Removal Unit available and if I still shriek like a 5-year-old getting stabbed when he's not at home. Uh, yep! I'm not trying to be girly. I'm not doing the helpless female act to get the big strong man to come save me. It's like an instinct. I can't help it. It happens no matter who's around or if I'm alone. It goes like this: suddenly I see a creepy thing with many legs, I SCREAM! I'm not the WORST case I've ever seen. There was one lady at work who refused to sit at her desk and had to go home for the day because the huge black Washington spider we both witnessed on her chair had found its way under the cubicle wall. Alive. I just kept my legs off the floor the rest of the day and kept checking all around me every few minutes, lol.

As to what I did before my big, strong and brave Husbunny could save me from the "poor little helpless" creepies? What do you think? I can't catch them (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!). It's MY house, not theirs. They can go live outside under the corner of the roof and eat all the flies. Go ahead. They have my blessing. But not in my house. Not where they might suddenly be ON me at any time. I can't take it. If I wanted to roll around with the bugs, I'd sleep in the park. I live inside in my little world. They can live outside in theirs. I literally will not sleep all night if I know there's a big spider in the hallway. I just can't. It has to go and if I can't catch it, how else would it "go"? It's not that I don't feel guilty when I kill it. But I will end up in a nuthouse if something isn't done to make them go away. Bunny therefore saves many a bug's life. And mine.

And this year... Spider Season has just begun.... *shiver*...

P.S. "die Spinne" (pronounced approximately "shpin-a") is German for "spider". And I just now remembered how at K and S's old house (friends who don't quite scream like I do) there were big bushes along the walkway to their front door and we'd all have another friend, Nathan, walk through there first to clear the path of the spiders and webs. LOLOL. Only after someone else went first was it safe.

Crazy cell phone deals & service in Germany

One area of nuttiness in Germany, besides "cell phone" being "das Handy" (hehehehehehe), is the crazy cell phone deals. You can get free phones, free computers, free game systems, DVD players/recorders, who knows what else, just for signing up.

Back in the States, depending on where you live, you may only have a couple of choices for a good cell phone company to go with, plus a couple of cheesy prepaid companies with spotty coverage. And the hell if anyone's giving you a free PlayStation 3 as a bonus for signing up! You're lucky to get a PHONE for less than $50, unless it's some cheapo crap thing with no battery life that will die in a year. (Brand names to remain anonymous.)

Well here in tiny, itty bitty Deutschland your big guy companies are T-Mobil, Vodafone, O2 and E-Plus. Let's not forget Debitel, Base, Mobilcom, all the grocery stores that offer pre-paid cards (Penny Markt, etc) that are probably just 'brandless' resellers of the big guys' service. There are others, too, believe me. All nationwide coverage. (Well, considering that the US could gobble up Germany about 28 times over, it better be nationwide =;->)

The thing is, maybe it's just all that competition. Maybe it's the fact that you have to freaking PAY PER MINUTE to call nearly all customer service phone numbers for any reason from any phone in Germany, landlines included. Whatever it is, these big providers and all the little companies that sell their services can afford to give you all this free stuff, just for signing a two year contract. (If you don't want a contract, go to your closest grocery store. They probably sell pre-paid service for less than you can ever get it in the US, as long as you have an unlocked phone that can take their SIM card.)

Bunny's old 1998 or whatever phone has been dying a slow death and we were sick and tired of fighting over our one old computer, so we signed up for a new contract with someone else. He got a nifty new phone, I got a SIM for my older phone (which is now feeling inferior next to Bunny's fancy shmancy one) AND we got a good brand name notebook computer. Un-effing-believable. And this is for contracts on the two SIMs, totaling something like 30 bucks a month. And this is something NORMAL here. Imagine that. In two years when our contracts are up we'll have to switch again and get a new phone for me and a new desktop computer, lolol. It's the German Automatic Computer Upgrade System.

Now, cell phone services are a bit different here. I'm not sure of the cost comparison. Our plans don't even include any MMS messages or internet. And here you tend to get plans with either no included minutes or just a small number. And they have so many different "nets" here, so calls with one company's network to another might be included in the free minutes or cost an outright .29 cents per minute or even cost .42 per minute. Same with landlines. Calls to some networks' landlines might be allowed in the "free minutes" or not, might be cheap, might be expensive, depending on which landline provider the person you're calling uses. And same goes for SMSs. Unless you get an expensive plan, get used to paying per SMS (with or without a few for free per month, and then only if they're in certain networks.)

Oh, and here, the CALLER pays when dialing a cell phone. So, if someone calls your cell phone, no matter if they're on a landline or cell, no matter where they are in the world, they pay the extra surcharge for it. Weird, huh? They tried to institute "caller pays" in the US a few years back, but it never made it through. One good thing, though: you don't pay for the calls that come TO your cell phone. Only ones you make FROM it. It kept blowing my mind how my phone was receiving SMSs from Bunny when my prepaid card should have been empty and dead as a doornail. So this explains it. He could even call me, despite the fact that I didn't even have 1 cent available on the account. I couldn't call out or send an SMS, of course, but could receive them still. Freaky!

In the end, if you're a serious yakker who can't shut the heck up or someone who sends a text message every 10 seconds, maybe it's cheaper in the US. Don't know. We don't use ours often, so it works for us. And you get a free computer. Did I mention the free computer?

Somehow this has to be paid for, of course, so perhaps it is more expensive in the end to actually USE your cell service in Europe. But it lets you imagine the profit margins they make in America, huh? I worked in the industry for about 8 years and I remember when my company "had to" lay people off because they "only" made a PROFIT of something like 490 million dollars instead of the projected 497 million. Awww, that's just awful. Poor babies. I wonder what kind of profits they make here in Germany, with the free electronics and 20 Euro a month base plans. Obviously something, right? I wonder how much it costs to use a Blackberry.

Bend over! Let me get this glove on...

Some things require few words. This is so damned funny. Love the expressions... all smiling their biggest and brightest while she rolls the sleeve up from the latex glove, rofl.... =;-)>

You can buy it on posters & t-shirts and stuff here.

'Gourmondo' review for other starving expats

I placed an order with Gourmondo.de very early Monday morning. (For more about what they carry, see previous post.) My order was delivered around noon on Tuesday. Their promise of quick next-day delivery through DHL is confirmed.

The box was quite large and very sturdy. Everything inside was very professionally packed, organized and wrapped, not tossed in with crumpled up newspapers like I'm used to getting from some other shops that carry American food, lol. (Ok, I know some others are smaller operations.)

They informed me yesterday that it had been shipped and I received everything correctly, just as ordered. Several things I had wanted were out of stock, so I couldn't order them this time. That's sure nicer than thinking you've ordered something, planning a dinner with it in mind and then getting a box that says "this, this and this were out of stock - gee, sorry." So it's good that their system knows this ahead of time.

An important thing when ordering imported foods is the expiration date. I don't order often online, but the few time I have (from other places) I've received many things that were either already stale and expired (!) or were about to be within a month or so. (Like the one time I got cream of tartar that expired in 20 days. Somehow I think that won't be of much use.) Not so with my Gourmondo order! Not one thing is about to expire. It's all nicely 'fresh', meaning won't expire until 2010, 2011, etc. Even the tortillas are good until February. And that's a very nice thing.

Overall I'm completely satisfied with my first Gourmondo order. Nice website, great variety (American, Mexican, Asian, Italian, French, Spanish, etc), credit cards accepted, quality items that aren't about to expire, reasonable prices and fast shipping. What more can I say. They'll have my business again!

In the pic above you'll see my 'no sugar added' Swiss Miss (sad, isn't it, but I used to like that in the autumn evenings), light coconut milk, big jar of jalapeno slices, chipotle sauce, chipotle powder, tamarind paste, 2 kilos (that's 4 pounds, lol) of black beans, Plochman's chili dog mustard, Japanese sticky rice, teriyaki sauce and some 100g spice cans/packages. Let's not forget the great big flour tortillas!!! =:-) They're La Costeña brand, which means they're from Mexico, not the Netherlands this time. They're nice big 10-inch burrito sized ones, not these stupid dinky things you get in the stores here. Best of all, it was an 18 pack for 3.99. Considering most 8 packs of tiny ones in the store cost around 3 Euros (or more!), this is a really good deal. Now only if I had a freezer big enough to store a bunch in. I don't think we can eat 18 tortillas that quickly. (Ok, we CAN eat 18 tortillas *pig noises*, but we really, really shouldn't.)

Gourmondo - more American foods

My husbunny found another German company online that has an assortment of American foods and tons more stuff of interest that you can't find in German grocery stores =;-) And with the exchange rate having gone from 1.60 back to to 1.42, it's a good (well, it still sucks, but it's a better) time to order.

www.gourmondo.de

They have a huge range of chile sauces, refried beans (and black beans, refried and dry as well), chips, things like mayo and mustard, 18-packs of tortillas, root beer, marshmallows, candy and cake/brownie mixes and more. In addition to American stuff they also have a whole section (or make that 3 sections) of Asian foods with sushi ingredients, noodles, rice, sauces, pastes, lots of curry, and a nice, big section on Indian foods (100g of turmeric at a time - now we're talkin'). There are also sections on Italian foods, French foods, Spanish foods and even African foods. Way cool!

From what I can see, their prices seem reasonable. I mean, of course they're not cheap. It's imported stuff. They're no more expensive, though, than other places to buy mustard that doesn't suck. In some cases, cheaper.

I'm still a bit confused as to whether they actually take credit cards or not. [Update: Yes, they do.] If not, then it's just the usual German payment system. I'm trying like hell to place an order, but they seem to be having some kind of website problem today (I hope it's just today). It works one minute and refuses to load or add to cart the next. Looks like a server issue. I give up for today. [Update: Successfully placed my order today, at 5am (yes, I'm up WAY late) on the 8th without any problems. Must've just been a weird prob Saturday. Will report when I get my stuff this week.]

After all, I already placed an order today with http://www.british-american-food.de (who takes PayPal, yay*)! Hellmann's light mayo (I prefer Kraft, but Hellmann's/Best Foods is sure better than the German crap), decent mustard, some pop tarts (sad, I know), root beer for the husbunny, Diet Dr Pepper for the fat bunny, some grits (grits freakin' rule) and a can of Spam. LOL. I haven't had Spam for years and don't know if Husbunny has ever had it. If I remember correctly, it tastes good fried up and served with baked beans (that are enhanced, of course, with a touch of mustard that doesn't suck, maybe a bit of brown sugar and some good old American molasses, which I'm sure glad I brought back in my suitcase last year). Maybe we'll have some grits on the side. Yeah! [Btw, no I'm not rich shopping for expensive foods all day, lol. Haven't placed an order for stuff like this in over a year!]

* Paypal rocks if you're paying with a non-German bank account and can't do bank transfer. Also, I once placed an order with the aforementioned company by credit card and my bank charged me some kind of $25 "foreign gambling fee" in addition to the foreign transaction fee. Huh?!! I called to freak out on them and it seems the company rang up the food I ordered under the wrong code and it went in as a casino charge. I'll only pay them via Paypal now! [Isn't online gambling illegal now in the US? Imagine getting an online gambling charge on your US credit card. Nice.]

It's the apostrophe, Stupid!

I just saw something on a major website and I can't take it anymore. Look...

Except in a few funky cases*, an apostrophe exists to:

1) SHOW POSSESSION (like "Mike's checkbook")

2) STAND IN FOR MISSING LETTERS (like "can't" for cannot or "it's" for it is).

THAT'S IT! IT DOES NOT INDICATE A PLURAL ON A WORD ENDING IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN A "S". IT JUST DOESN'T! AND YES, I'M YELLING. 99% OF PLURAL WORDS DON'T HAVE APOSTROPHES! GOT IT?

Cats are cute. <======== RIGHT

Cat's are cute. <======== WRONG.

All of the following examples are WRONG. There should be NO APOSTROPHE in these sentences. This isn't nitpicking. It's very, very basic. If you can't tell the difference between plural and possessive, I suggest you just quit speaking and writing altogether (hehe):

• Joe is meeting us there for coffee's. (WRONG)
  
• Beth likes kinky thing's. (WRONG)
• Hockey mom's for Palin. (WRONG)
• Buy two pizza's, get one free. (WRONG)
• Is the punctuation in your sentence's correct? (WRONG)
• Do the school's not teach people? (WRONG)
• The school's taught me how to use an apostrophe. (WRONG)
• Did we not all attend the same school's and therefore use the same textbook's? (WRONG)
• Use your head's please and stop it! Stop it now! (WRONG)

* Funky cases are explained well on Wikipedia's apostrophe page. Please note that Wikipedia states one official term for incorrect use is an "IDIOT'S APOSTROPHE". LOLOL. Love it. It's a translation of the German word "Deppenapostroph". The Germans are actually cool for once =;-)

That good old double standard rears its ugly head

I'm going to state first that I don't like Sarah Palin. I don't like her stance on important issues. In fact, some of them make me want to... I don't know... puke, slap her, something like that. I would not vote for her for anything. I also find McCain's blatant attempt to yank the post-Hillary undecideds over to his side by choosing a woman is just downright insulting. In your dreams, buddy. But I noticed something else that's so damned typical and even more troubling than Palin's right-wing position on issues:

Within hours of McCain's VP announcement sites like CafePress filled up with meant-to-be-funny shirts & signs that said things like "McCain & Some Chick 2008", "Palin - I'd tap that!", "Palin - she's HOT!" and the seemingly ultra popular "MILF" designs that filled up the first few search pages. (If you really don't know what that means, it's Mom I'd Like to F---. Some were creating variations like VP-ILF. You get the idea.)

Ok, so she's petite, was a beauty queen (barf), has flawless skin, owns some guns and talks like a mouse is being squeezed up her butt sideways. All the things guys like, right? But COME ON. She's the nominee for VICE PRESIDENT, for God's sake. (And for that matter, who cares if she's a nominee for anything.) Imagine if we started "Obama - DILF" (Dad I'd Like to.... you know). I mean, he's a nice looking guy! So what if he's married and has little kids and is the presidential nominee! Sure, let's just use the f-word and put it out there. Yeah, baby, I'd tap that. See how inappropriate?! He's a politician, not a Chippendale.

But you'll notice that while a few things out there may allude to Obama being a decent looking guy, it's mostly about the issues, the country, etc. But when it's a woman we're talking about it goes back down to the usual stereotypes. She's either vehemently attacked with the intent of absolute destruction (Hillary is an evil bitch!) or she should be, well, I won't say it because it's too crude, but it comes down to Palin is a sex object.

It's 2008, people!

I know there are many explanations that can be tossed around. It's the male fear of female power, it's deep-seated misogyny, it's raging balls of testosterone. In the end, though, there's really no excuse. (Despite there being enough stupid girls out there who willingly put themselves into bimbo roles.) No wonder we haven't had a female president. She either gets ripped to shreds (see: Hillary) or she's not taken seriously (see: Palin). I put Palin in that category despite her being a governor because, well, it's hard to take someone seriously in business or politics when the boys club is putting them on par with a Hooters girl or centerfold, now isn't it?! But boy, when she gets older, gains some weight or butches out a bit (in some way stops being so "hot") she'll be tossed right into the other category. I guess that would be MI-would not-LF ... i.e. an evil bitch. Either f*** her or f*** her (in another way). One or the other. Nice, huh?

But I can't vote for McCain and Palin. Certainly not because she's annoying, but because I can't bring myself to vote for people who believe the way she does. So, sorry Sarah. Maybe in another 50 years for us? Women were the last to get the vote, after all.

Update: Great commentary by Susan Reimer of the Baltimore Sun:
A woman, but why this woman? "(Rush Limbaugh) called Palin a 'babe.' It was another memorable moment in the ascent of women in this country."